Legend of Legaia: Bring on teh Author Magic!
by L. Damarik Laizare
Summary: When two authors get together and brainstorm, the resulting power outage is believed to be not the work of the authors, but the actual storm taking place outside. Rated T for language. A funny spoof of Legaia with Me and Uyoni!
1. Teh Fumbly Beginning!

There once was a game. And it was called Legend of Legaia. And it was good. So good infact that there were many fanfictions written about it. So many fanfictions that infact, fanfictions began to spoof other fanfictions. So many spoofs that it became hard to tell the originals from the spoofs...ah hell, you get the idea.

Welcome, one and all, to Legend of Legaia: Bring on teh Author Magic!

I, your host, LD, will be leading you through a whimsical tale full of trust, friendship, deciet, and kick ass good plot holes! There will be pain...(heh, that's cool)...there will be darkness! (I'm so Goth I could kill myself...XD) There will be angst, horror and terror!(Oh Shit!) Just playing! I would not want to waste away what little brains you have left...

(They're probably so fried out by now from reading the other spoofs...I pity thou that you had to come to such a fanfic to plot your doom...Doom...DOOOOOOOOM...kinda sucked...never really liked that game...Maybe I just wasn't getting my retail value...or something like that...)

Anyway, DOWN TO THE FIC!...or was it up...damn my short term memory...

* * *

**_LEGEND OF LEGAIA: Bring on teh Author Magic!_**

_Starring:_

Vahn: The Overused Stereotype Silent Leader...  
Noa: The Sexy Underage Pornstar Wannabe...  
Gala: The Completely Useless Fighter who Sucked Uberly...

_And Guest Starring:_

LD: Your Writer and Host  
UyoniRaze X: Your Cohost and Sit In Writer!

* * *

_**Introductions!** (really suck)_

LD: (comes in and sits down, indian style)

In teh beginning, 73h ub3r 1337 Gming G0dz0r created the planet. And it was filled with fluffy white clouds, cute little bunnies, and fugly little creatures called hyoomans. These things, as tiny and insignificant as they were, dominated the planet through whips and chains...yadayadayada, the whole BDSM bit.

But soon, the wild animals rose up and began to kick their butts.

In fear for his n00Bi$h creations, 73h ub3r 1337 Gming G0dz0r made teh Seru.

Now, not expecting the hyoomans to understand how to use the g0d1y seru correctly, g0d just sat back to watch the hyoomans destroy themselves mercilessly. He even invited over some of the g0ds of the Earthen Realm to watch, place bets, and eat popcorn. You shoulda seen it. Jebus was there, Buddoo, all the Native Animericun g0dz showed up. It was one hella partay. They rocked it all night long!

Anyway, back to the story.

Soon after, as teh g0dzor had bet (and may I say, won a hefty sum of money for), the humans had made a weapon to strengthen the Seru's power. It was the Mist.

Holy hell! Head For The Hills! Take the Pins Road To Grandma's House! Duck and Cover! Don't Look Back! Heh...

Basically, the humans kicked each other's arses with this new weapon, only ot find out that when a Seru touched by the mist was worn by a human, the result was worse than waking up mid-day after an all night booze party. They became possessed, by which no means of exorcism could cast out the demons!

So, the fall of humanity, yeah yeah, we all saw it coming. Brink of extinction? It was bound to happen one day.

The humans scattered like roaches from a lightbulb and walled themselves up. So it was, and everything sucked from there on. They always had to watch the shadows for fear that Jerry Springer might come out and bring their ex-es with him to start a fight, a crowd magically appearing out of no where screaming: JERRY! JERRY!

More or less, life became a living hell. So, we come to our present time, 10 years after Jerry Springer...err, I mean 10 years after the MIST made its appearance in Legaia.

LD: (is heard in the background quietly disclaiming rumors that Jerry Springer was Actually Seen at the Sol Disco in a pair of Hammer Pants...)

* * *

**_CHAPTER ONE: THE BEGINNING OF INSANITY! (Or, Random People fall from teh skies...)

* * *

_**

(We enter our lovely scene in the middle of a Rim Elm sunrise. The sun blazes as it rises, scorching everything in sight. A door opens. Out steps a blue haired youth...who is immediately fried by the sun's deadly frying rays!)

Director: CUT! Furging CUT! That's NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! SOMEONE FIX THE SCRIPT!

Random Guy: (appears) Sir, this script is still being written. In fact, what I'm saying is appearing in the script as I'm saying it.

Director: You mean...to tell me...that every word I'm saying is being scripted into the script as I say it?

Random Guy: (holds open the script)

Director: (Reads to find that in fact, this very sentence is being written as he reads it) Holy hell, a self writing script...What do we need authors for!

Random Guy: The Author Gods are writing this...they write everything we say.

Director: Oh hell with that. I will not be scripted to say anything that I don't want to say.

Omnipotent Voice: OH YES YOU SHALL!

Director: Furg you...you extraordinarily good looking...HEY! Wait one second! I wasn't going to say that!

Omnipotent Voice: Yes you were. I wrote that you'd say it.

Director: Ah shit. There's no escaping bad literature wherever you go anymore...(Is instantly zapped dead by the OV)

Omnipotent Voice: Okay, I fixed the sunrise so that it won't kill anyone. Random Guy, you've just been promoted to Director. After all, you believe in everything I write, don't you?

Random Guy: Yes Sir! Now, did I just say that or did you have me say it?

Omnipotent Voice: No, that was all you. I'll be writing a promotion into the script for you soon, just for your proven loyalty to me!

Random Guy Turned Director: Yes Sir! ON WITH THE FIC!

(Anyway, to begin. A blue haired youth steps out of the house, rubs his head, and stands staring at the ocean...and he keeps staring...and staring...)

Director: Cut! What's wrong with the Vahn?

Vahn: It's the Vahn! Isn't it!

Chad: (randomly appears) No, it's the Chad!

Vahn: It's the Vahn!

Chad: The Chad!

Director: It'll be your HEADS To the Author Gods if you don't STFU and get the hell on with my script!

Chad: Errr...righto. (poofs away)

Vahn: That was definately wierd.

Director: VV Why me? Anyway, ACTION!

Vahn: (stands staring at the ocean...and staring...and staring...)

Director: CUT! What the hell is wrong with you Vahn?

Vahn: Aren't I supposed to wait for someone to select my name! I want to have a name! It's bad enough that I don't have any lines in this damned game whatsoever!

Director: Oh hell, fine. (grabs a big hand on a stick and turns on the overhead touch sensitive monitor) ACTION!

Vahn: (stands staring at the ocean.)

Director: (takes the big hand on a stick and presses 'OKAY' on the overhead touch sensitive monitor. The text 'ARE YOU SURE?' comes up. Again, he presses the 'OKAY'.)

Vahn: (takes his signature battle stance before walking down off of his stairway. He stops momentarily before turning to the shore again)

Director: CUT! What the hell is wrong now?

Vahn: I see...a bright light...(drools)

Director: Of course you do...idiot...That's the Sunrise. Your seeing the bottom of the sun peeking over the Eastern horizon, somewhat tilted to the South. Now, get back to the script!

Vahn: No...something is falling...and it's getting brighter...(drools more) Shiny...

Voice: LOOK OUT BELOW!

**(CRASH!)**

(A figure steps out of the huge arse divot in the ground where Vahn used to be standing, apparently chewing on a piece of Black Licorice, and holding what appears to be a rather rabid looking Furby...)

Uyoni: Sorry about that guys...(brushes herself off)

Furby: (coos gingerly)

Director: Who the hell are you?

Uyoni: I am...(taps foot impatiently at the Sound & Light Effects Guy...)

S&LEG: Oh right! Sorry! (presses a few switches)

(ACTIVATE: RANDOM LIGHTNING AND THUNDER!)

Uyoni: That's better...now...I am...UYONI RAZE X! Author goddess extraordinaire! (LIGHTNING FLASH! THUNDER CRASH! ARG, THE RHYMES! IT HURTS!) And this...(motions to the Furby) Is Mr. ZUMO.

Mr. Zumo: (bugs eyes and screams in a demonic voice while his head twists entirely around)

Director: Um...is he alright?

Uyoni: Yes, he does that occasionally. Cute little fella, in'he?

Director: Yes, actually...in some psychotically fooked up way...Wait a Minute...did you just say Author Goddess? OMGHFS! You Have Saved Me! XD YES! NOW I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS MADDNESS ANYMORE! HERE! TAKE THE SCRIPT! IT'S YOURS!

(And so, the Director proceeded to run off, cackling madly about bunnies and stainless steel Pantera-autographed toasters! Lucky bastard...)

Uyoni:...(looks at the script) Oh poo with you! (shreds it) Things are funnier unscriptynessed!

Mr: Zumo: (tackles the shreddings of the script and begins to tear at them savagley, a crazed look in his eyes)

Vahn: Ummm...hokay...

Uyoni: (tackles the Vahn!) OMG! IT'S REALLY YOU! (pounces and uber glomps!)

Vahn: Ack woman! Get off me!

* * *

LD: And the scene fades to a close with our Authoress madly glomping Vahn like a giddy schoolgirl. I believe I shall leave you there with this chapter, for next chapter, we begin our adventure...Seriously. No, I'm not kidding. Well, maybe I am...but who cares. It'll be hella funny even if we don't!

* * *

#1- This was a quote given to me by a gothic friend of mine, one Zoe Marlena. Look for her upcoming screenplay- 5:15. Soon to be released, if she ever gets around to it.

#2- This is a spoof of the Wizard of Oz's line: Lions, Tigers and Bears; OH MY!

#3- Written in 1337 code: The Uber Leet Gaming Godzor.

#4- Misspelled Names of the Gods. I mean no ill will to anyone's diety when I write this. I'm just having my bit of fun with religion.

In Plot ()- Sub for OMGHFS - Oh My God, Holy Furging Shit!

* * *

Disclaimer: I own none of the copyrighted materials listed above, save the character name LD. Thank you. 


	2. Insanity Ensues! TREE HUGGER ALERT!

And so it was that we left our hapless Vahn in the clutches of the crazed Author Goddess, Uyoni Raze X. And much glomping ensued before the next scene was ready to begin. But finally, we find that Uyoni has composed herself enough to bring about the next scene, into existence in the non-existent script book. Does that make sense?

(consults with his advisors...)

Ah hell and jellybeans. It's working for me.

So, ONTO THE FIC!

* * *

**_LEGEND OF LEGAIA: Bring on teh Author Magic!_**

_Starring:_

Vahn: The Overused Stereotype Silent Leader...  
Noa: The Sexy Underage Pornstar Wannabe...  
Gala: The Completely Useless Fighter who Sucked Uberly...

_And Guest Starring:_

LD: Your Writer and Host  
UyoniRaze X: Your Cohost and Sit In Writer

And our newest Addition!

Barako: The Kick Ass Songi Glomping Artist

* * *

_Introductions! (still suck)_

LD: (comes in and sits down, indian style)

Perhaps I should bring you up to speed on how our three young comrades in arms met. It was a dark and stormy night in the north eastern Pennsylvania, where our writer, LD (Yus, little ol me), is searching through the story profiles. It is here where he comes across a Legaia fanfiction, one of his more favorite at the time, entitled: Warning! Koolaid Affects Everything! The said fanfic work was written by one crazy authoress, UyoniRazeX. After corresponding through comments on the website, they eventually fell apart as some friendships tend to do.

Later on, after LD has moved to south central PA, he is an active member on Deviantart, the web based art forum. It is here that once again, he runs into Uyoni, and through a reunion of sorts, they got together on a collaborative art piece entitled Laugh Out Legaia! Written by Uyoni and drawn by LD.

Through the workings of the Legaia fanclub on Deviant, Barako came to notice the fanwork of the two artists. Later, after much discussion...(and talk of Songi and his inherant animosity), Barako agreed to join our two intrepid young authors on a quest to spoof the hell out of Legaia! And so, that is how our cast became what it is today!

Thanks everyone, and GOOD NIGHT!

* * *

**CHAPTER TWO: THE REAL BEGINNING OF INSANITY! (Or, Vahn gets caught hugging trees...)**

Vahn: So let me get this straight. You are an author.

Uyoni: Yep!

Vahn: Who is partly who writes what I say, when the main author isn't working.

Uyoni: You got it!

Vahn: And the little creepy furry thing that is eating my shoe...?

Uyoni: That's Mr. Zumo! He's meh furbeh friend.

Vahn: A Furby? What the hell is that?

Mr. Zumo: GRRAAAGHNA TEIR ROANA! (Bites into Vahn's Leg)

Vahn: AGH! HOLY HELL! GET THIS THING OFFA ME! (is bleeding profusely)

Uyoni: Awwwzers...He likes ya!

(after about 5 minutes of the past three lines...)

Vahn: (holding his leg) Son of a mutha trucka...nastly little bastard.

Uyoni: Hey, that wasn't nice...-glares-

Vahn: Anyway, I get this feeling that I should go down to the Genesis tree. Something is pulling me towards it...

**-And so, Vahn and Yonikins walk down to the Genesis Tree. It is an awesome sight to behold indeed. One of the largest woodies in Drake Kingdom! Natural wooden structures, that is. Of course, you wouldn't be thinking sick on me, now would you? XD Thought not.-**

Uyoni: So...we're here! (smiles madly)

Vahn: Okay, you're going to have to stop that...creeping me out...

Village Elder: (Enters into the scene) Ah, hello Vahn...what a lovely...

Uyoni: AGH! SAUSAGE HAT MAN! GET EM MR. ZUMO!

Mr. Zumo: RAAAAAAARGH! FWEEKA! (rabidly attacks the Village Elder's sausage shaped hat)

Vahn: Woah...heh, that little guy is pretty cool.

Village Elder: (running around) AAAAAAGH! (runs headfirst into the Genesis tree)

Mr. Zumo: (hopped off only seconds before, smiling like a maniac) HEEEEEEEE!

Village Elder: (stumbles to a standing position) Well, er...yes...all that about being a good hunter...right...

Mr. Zumo: RAAAAAAAARGH! (Attacks the Village Elder again)

Village Elder: HOLY HELL! (Gets run into the tree yet again, falling heavily to the ground) You know...I think I'm just going to crawl outta here...

Uyoni: That's right you mean old man! That's what you get for scaring My little Zumo!

Vahn: Yep. It's official. That little guy definately kicks ass. Ah shit...(looks up at the sunrise) I gotta go see Tetsu today!

Uyoni: I'll come with! (skips along merrily behind Vahn)

Vahn: (runs up the stairs, only to be stopped by Mei as she closes her door) Oh, heya Mei.

Mei: Hiya Vahn! (Glares evilly as Uyoni comes skipping up behind him) Vahn...who's this?

Vahn: Oh her? She's harmless. Just fell out of the sky ontop of my head this morning.

Mei: Oh Really? -smacks Vahn- You Pimp!

Vahn: What? (has a huge red mark across his face)

Uyoni: Don't You Hit My Vahn!

Mei: YOUR VAHN? (tackles Uyoni)

**(CAT FIGHT!)**

**-After the smoke and dust clear, we see Uyoni jumping up and down ontop of Mei's trashed form.-**

Uyoni: TAKE THAT! And be glad I didn't Send Mr. ZUMO ON YOU! (chomps down on a piece of black licorice and chills out immediately)

Vahn: Woah...(looks at the utterly pwned Mei) Remind me never to piss you off lady...

(Random Insert of the Omnipotent Voice: To be blunt, Mei looked like the worst Roadkill you could imagine...XD)

**-Vahn and Uyoni walk around the pit and down the stairs to the beach where Tetsu just happens to be waiting mysteriously for Vahn.-**

Tetsu: Ah, Vahn. Seems like only yesterday you were so young. Now you've grown into a fine warrior. Are you ready for your first hunt tomorrow?

Vahn: Sure...but could we get a little practice in before I go?

Uyoni: Oh come on! The story's gotta move on! All you do is learn the Somersault and beat the living crap-apples out of him! I could teach ya the arts! Come on Vahn! Let's get going! (grabs hold of his ear and drags him towards the item shop)

Vahn: WaaaAAH! LATER TETSU!

Tetsu: Um...err...bye Vahn...(rolls up a healing leaf...)

**-In the item shop...-**

Uyoni: Whadda ya mean you don't sell weapons or items anymore! This is supposed to be the shop!

Innkeeper: It is. We sell groceries!

Uyoni: Oh blah. I'm going upstairs...(trudges up the steps)

Vahn: Don't mind her, she's not really all that dangerous...it's the little fuzzy guy she's got with her that ya hafta worry about...

Innkeeper: Why?

**-As if to answer the innkeeper's question, a loud maniacle roar is heard from upstairs as a man comesfalling down the stairs, head first.-**

**-THUMP, THUMP, THUMPITY THUMPITY FOOKING THUMP!-**

Random Man: GET THIS THING OFF OF ME! WUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! (Runs into the door, gets knocked out cold)

Mr. Zumo: (looks menacingly at the innkeeper before going back upstairs)

Vahn: THAT would be why. (Vahn exits and leaves for home)

**-And in the interest of time and a good storyline, I'm going to skip over the fact that Mei, even as pissed off as she was, ended up at Vahn's home so she could feel him up and get his measurements, regardless of the fact that she actually touched his rock hard shaft...of wood that he kept on the table. Gotcha again, didn't I? XD Anyway, SKIP TO THE NIGHT SCENE!-**

Val: Vahn...hey Vahn...VAHN...GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUTTA BED NOW!

Vahn: ACK! (falls off the bed and hits the floor headfirst) Owww...

Val: Ah good, you're awake! (all bright and chipper) Would you mind going to check on that loud banging outside?

Vahn: What loud banging?

**(BANG!)**

Vahn: (sighs) Why do I even bother sometimes? Sure...yeah yeah. I'll go check it out.

**-Vahn gets up, dresses quick, and goes outside, where he is met by Uyoni and Mr. Zumo, who happens to be chewing on a piece of what appears to be denim fabric. The banging is loud, and the wall is bending harshly in and out.-**

Wall: Yeah...two steps now yall. One hop this time...(Werh!) Two Hops this time! (Werh! Werh!) Sliiiide to the left! (Werh!) Sliiiide to the Right! (Werh!) Bring it back now yall! (Werh Werh!)Chacha real slow! (plays the marimba beat)

Vahn: Okay...that's the first time I've EVER seen a wall do that...

Wall: Oh yeah, people of Rim Elm, bend over and kiss your asses goodbye. There's a big guy pounding my backside trying to get into the little hole in this wall. But I'm squeezing the exit, so he can't get in! The only way he can is if he blows big time!

**(Oh so suggestive, aren't we? XD)**

Uyoni: Did that wall just dance, talk and sing? COOL!

Village Elder: This wall has protected Rim Elm from the Mist for 10 years!

Mr. Zumo: (glares at the Village Elder, whom mysteriously, is without his hat...)

Appears Random Portal Thingy: Yeah yeah, you're all about to be blown to hell anyway.

**-A strange man appears through the portal-**

Uyoni: HIYA ZETO!

Zeto: Wtf? Who art thou who knows my name?

Uyoni: It's me! Uyoni! I kicked your butt with level 10 characters! Remember!

Zeto: ...Ummm...right...anyway, yada-yada-yada, come to bring the salvation of the Mist...blah blah blah, time for you to Submit. Okay, here we go! Juggernaut! Time for the Fireworks!

**-Outside the wall, a giant red glowing light appears! (may I add, the ONLY time Juggernaut's breath weapon is red...) And next thing you know...BOOM! No more wall. Blown to bits, and the bits managed to cause a little destruction. They took out the randomly placed porta-potties next to the small windmill, knocking compost all over the place.-**

Random Guy: AWWW SHIT!

Zeto:...no kidding...there's a lot of it too by the looks of it...XD Anyway, PEACE! I'm Outtie! (disappears)

Gimards: (all start pouring into Rim Elm)

Gimard 1: (attacks a lady) Kyu!

Gimard 2: (circles around the Genesis tree) Nyuk!

Gimard 3: (hovers momentarily) Kweh?

Uyoni: Is that Gimard half chocobo! MINE! (tackles the Gimard!)

Gimard 3: KWEH! (fires off the Tail-Fire magic!)

Uyoni: (snaps her fingers and the fireball gets sent back at him)

Gimard 3: (is toasted alive) Wark...! (falls over)

Uyoni: Okay you, you're coming with me! (picks up the Gimard and tosses him over her shoulder)

Vahn: How did you do that?

Uyoni: Do what?

Vahn: You snapped your fingers and sent back the fireball!

Uyoni: Oh! Heh, tis my Author Magic! Works like a charm!

Vahn: Woah...remind me to REALLY never piss you off...

Uyoni: (stands quiet and strangely stone stiff for a moment)...

Vahn: (waves a hand infront of her face)

Uyoni:...WE MUST GO TO TEH TREE OF TEH GENESISNESS!

Vahn: The Genesis...WOAAAAH! (Gets picked up and tossed over the railing into the Genesis Garden by Uyoni, who follows soon after)

Lady: Oh Vahn! It's you! Hey, touch the tree man! It's all warm and fuzzy like!

Vahn: Are you trippin on something? Fuzzy? Eh, what harm can it do? (Hugs the tree) Look ma! I'm a tree huggin hippy like this chick over here! (points to the woman) Ya hippy! Hippyhippyhippy!

**-A voice appears inside his head-**

Voice: Vahn...you are Vahn, are you not?

Vahn: Hey...don't I know you? Yeah, you're the guy from my Rice Crispies! Stop Telling Me To Go Out And Eat People!

Voice:...um, no, dumbass. That's not me. I am Meta, a Ra-Seru.

Vahn: A Ra-What? Raw steak? Sounds like good eatens to me!

Meta: OMFG...and I get stuck with THIS kid? Ugh...anyway, do you want to save your town from the Mist?

Vahn: (looks around) Actually, I kinda like it this way. Fire, chaos, discord...all of my work here is done. (smiles evilly) And I didn't have to lift a finger to do it!

Meta: (sweatdrop) LOOK HERE YOU PYROMANIAC MADMAN FROM HELL, I'M JOINING UP WITH YOU WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! We're going to revive the Genesis Trees, even if I have to drag your blue-haired ass all over Legaia! Now, open your mind to me!

Vahn: What? Open my wha...?(goes silent as Meta attaches to his arm)

Meta: Oh My God! That's Disgusting! (viewing Vahn's thoughts)

Vahn: What? You've never wanted to eat roasted kids?

Meta: No! That's absurd!

Vahn: Why not? Baby goats cooked over an open flame are supposed to be very good!

Meta:...

Uyoni: Heya Meta...can we just revive this tree thingy? I get the feeling I'm sposed to meet someone soon.

Meta: I need more power first...Ms?

Uyoni: Uyoni Raze X, atcher service!

Meta: Well, it's good to meet someone who's not half...Oh gods...

Uyoni: (standing there lighting fire crackers and giving them to Vahn to hold)

Meta: Forget it...

**-BOOM!-**

Vahn: AGH! MY HAND!...But That was soooo COOL! LET'S DO IT AGAIN!

Uyoni: Sorry Vahnz...we gotta get Meta the powerz...WAIT! I KNOW! (breaks off a piece of black licorice and gives it to Vahn) EAT THIS!

Vahn: What is it?

Uoyni: It'll Give Meta the power boost he needs! It's (DRAMATIC DRUMROLL PUHLEEZE?) BLACK LICORICE!

Vahn: Okay...(eats it) Hey, that's not half bad...

Meta: Yes! That's IT! I...HAVE...THE POWE-------ER! (begins to glow uber red) NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! (tosses a HUGE FOOKING ball of energy at the Genesis Tree)

Genesis Tree: (absorbs all the energy...)

All: (watching the tree)

Genesis Tree:...

All:...

Genesis Tree:...

All:...(semi-silent poot amongst the crowd) "Sorry..."

Genesis Tree:...(begins to rumble)

Meta?

Vahn?

Village Elder?

Mr. Zumo: RAAAAARGH! (attacks the Village Elder)

Village Elder: AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! (runs off into the distance)

Meta?

Vahn?

Uyoni:... :D?

Genesis Tree: (EXPLODES!)

**-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!-**

**-Lo and behold, the Genesis Tree did explode, verily...casting a column of light into the sky, berry berry high. The shockwave of the ensuing blast blew away the Mist and the fallout caused by the explosion cast a barrier through which the Mist could not pass, because it sucked. All who were in the wake of the blast now needed new hair cuts, except for the Village Elder, whom had all his hair chewed off by Mr. Zumo, and Uyoni, who used Author Magic to poof hers back to normal.-**

Uyoni: (poofs hair to former glory) Well, that was fun! Let's get going, shall we?

Vahn: (is out cold)

Nene: BROTHER!

Val: Look, he's sleeping...he looks so horrified...

Nene: Maybe he's dreaming of what Mei will do to him if she ever sees those pictures he took?

Mei: What pictures? (taps foot impatiently...)

**-THE NEXT DAY-**

Vahn: (walks out of Mei's house with a black and blue eye, a busted lip, and a broken rib that was poking his lung, after explaining the said images of Mei...before she went on the diet. Her size 52-32 Wide pants were clearly depicted in these formidable shots, and it was not a matter she took lightly...)

Uyoni: So, how'd it go? (stands there, filing her nails)

Vahn:...shut up. Can we just go?

Uyoni: Did you get the pendant like I told you to?

Vahn: (pulls a rather large pendant out of his...back pocket) Yeah...I got it.

Uyoni: GOOD! I just spent all of your life savings buying you armor and a weapon that will probably do you no good because you'll probably end up dying before we get to the Hunter's Springs, therefore, I'll get all yer stuff, and then I can sell it on the black market...

Vahn: Ummmmm...what?

Uyoni: Oh...ummm...errrr...don't mind me! (smiles innocently) You didn't just hear that.

* * *

LD: And the scene fades to a close with our Authoress making sure that Vahn won't have any valuables left if he dies. This is where the journey ends for today. See? I told you it'd be mad funny, even if we didn't leave the village! XD Look at all that good stuff! 

Eh?

Are you trying to say that wasn't funny?

Oh, I see how you are...fine then.

(SUMMONS JUGGERNAUT!)

LD: GO JUGGERNAUT! DARK ECLIPSE!

Juggernaut: Mreow! (purrs)

LD: Riiiiiiight...

* * *

#1 - The Song the Wall Was Singing is the Cha Cha Slide 

#2 - Yes, the Gimard was half Chocobo, by the workings of an accessory we will see brought into play later on. And YES, Yoni still has the poor Gimard draped around her shoulders.

#3 - Yes, I spoofed He-Man for Meta's line before he blows the Genesis tree to kingdom come! Heh, Hyooge fooking energy balls...XD


	3. Bring on the Danish Chicks and Rootbeer!

The night had finally ended up going to heck in a hamsterball. Seru squawking like Chocobos, Uyoni stealing the squawking Seru, Mr. Zumo unrelentlessly attacking the Village Elder's hat. And Meta accidentally blowing the Genesis tree sky high. The outside world slowly fades as the game becomes a reality for the Vahn and the Yoni. The cameramen and staff have all but vanished or become game avatars over the course of time between this installment and last, leaving nothing but a seemless Legaian world for the two intrepid psychos to explore!

It's like Chrismahanaquanzika every day of the year! The joy! The laughter! The fire! The PLOTHOLES!

Oh god, I could have so much fun with this...Err...ahem, anyway.

_-XRaptor Incorporated is proud to bring you a Sony/Contrail production, directed and demi-scripted by Laegreffon D. Laizare. All rights and privelidges here in listed in the copyrights are officially fooked, cuz no one gives a damn about who owns what. Anything that is portrayed in this story outside the lines of the guidelines of the boundary lines of the copyright regulations is owned soley by either Laegreffon D. Laizare, Uyoni Raze X, or Barako. Thank you all, and have a lovely fooking day!-

* * *

_

**_LEGEND OF LEGAIA: Bring on teh Author Magic!_**

_Starring:_

Vahn: The Overused Stereotype Silent Leader...  
Noa: The Sexy Underage Pornstar Wannabe...  
Gala: The Completely Useless Fighter who Sucked Uberly...

_And Guest Starring:_

LD: Your Writer and Host  
UyoniRaze X: Your Cohost and Sit In Writer

Barako: The Kick Ass Songi Glomping Artist

* * *

_Information Stop #1:_ The Simulant Seru

So perhaps you were wondering a bit about Simulant Seru. The Sim-Seru are a species of modified Seru, capable of far greater power than their predecessors. The Sim-Seru can give the bearer the ability to transform, as well as incredible strength, the power of flight, and just as well, kick ass magic skillz. But how were they created?

During the Sol-Conkram War, Prince Cort Karisto, rightful heir to the throne suceeding Nebular, was delving into the genetic and magical sciences. He managed to create a super weapon to enhance the powers of the Seru, which we all know as the Mist.

(Yeah that stuff which makes the world look like a giant reefer party was goin on without ya!)

So, after the Mist had rolled onto the battlefield from the newly completed Absolute Fortress in the Karisto Cascadian Mountain Range, Cort set to work on enhancing the Seru themselves. He found it possible to fuse two Seru together, through a process of combining pieces of the Rogue Ra-Seru (accquired from the portal when Vahn, Noa and Gala foil him in the Conkram of the Past) with regular, ordinary Seru. The reaction of the magics, depending on how many different Seru and Rogue Pieces were fused, resulted in a stronger, more advanced Seru. The simulations of these prototype Seru were used in the war before the Mist brought things to a crashing halt.

Thus, the Simulant-Seru got their first use.

The first of the Super Sim-Seru was used as a last defense in Conkram. What had started out simply as a shell seru was cultivated(#1) to an enormous size, so that when closed, would protect the entire castle and surrounding city. And the second of the line in the Super Sim-Seru became a weapon of unimaginable destructive capabilites...a viable _-juggernaut-_ of power, if you will...

Anywho, that's all for this installment! Look for more info on the NEXT:_ Information Stop_! (Next Time: The Mist in its Many Forms!)

**

* * *

****CHAPTER THREE: BRING ON THE DANISH CHICKS AND ROOTBEER!  
(Or, Vahn and Yoni Travel...)

* * *

**

**-The sun is high in the sky as Uyoni and a rather battered Vahn make for the Hunter Springs. The journey, not a long one, was filled with randomness and exploding firecrackers, and even once, a random appearance of the local wildlife...-**

Vahn: Oh god, now I've gotta fight this little pile of slime? What the hell is this? A reject from the Jello factory?

Uyoni: How do you know about Jello?

Vahn: Are you kidding? That stuff kicks ass in this world and the next!

Uyoni: (Fwaps him on the head with a randomly placed mallet) Be quiet you. D

Vahn: X.x Ah...sayee perday burdays...(snaps out of it)

Green Slime: -blurp-

Uyoni: Hey, I think it's trying to say sumthing!

Vahn: (looks at her skeptically) It doesn't have a mouth, how could...

Green Slime: DAY-O!

Vahn and Uyoni: (double-take) The hell?

Green Slime: DAAaaaay-O!

Vahn: I stand thoroughly corrected...

Green Slime: Daylight kome and me waun go Hoome!

Vahn: Did he just say my name?

Uyoni: No, he said Waun.

Vahn: But that is my name...(begins to look a little tipsy)

Meta: Heh? Waun, wassrong? ( blurbs lightly)

Uyoni: I think that last hit on the head did a little more damage than we could use right now...(trying hard not to laugh)

Green Slime: (pulls out a pair of maraccas and shakes it till the sun goes down...well, not literally...) Work all night ona drinka rum!

Random musical voices: Daylight come and me waun go home...

Green Slime: Stock banana till de morning come!

RMV's: Daylight come and me waun go home...

Vahn: Hey, they keep saying my name...(begins to sway to the strange music)

Uyoni:...(sits there)

Mr. Zumo: (Dancing merrily to the music)

Green Slime: Day! Me Say Daaaayo!

RMV's: Daylight come and me waun go home...

Green Slime: Day! Me Say Daaaayo!

RMV's: Daylight come and me waun go home...

**-This goes on until the last verse of the song, where things get interesting...-**

Green Slime: A beautiful bunch...of ripe bananas!

RMV's: Daylight come and me waun go home...

Green Slime: Hide dee deadly...BLACK TARANTULA! RAAAAAAAAAAAGH! (POUNCES!)

Vahn: Hey...that was...WOAOAOH! (gets pounced on by the slime) Blaabluggg...!

Uyoni: (has begun to dance to the music) Daylight! Nanners! WOOHOO!

Mr. Zumo: (is cackling maniacly as the slime attempts to eat Vahn)

Meta: WAUN!

Vahn: Rice Crispy Guy! SAVE TEH I!

Meta: I'm Not Teh Rice Crispy Guy! I am...(takes on a foreign accent) The Son of a Shepard! AAWOooOOooOO!

Uyoni: (stops dancing) The hell? Where did you learn to imitate our Cartoons? (still oblivious to Vahn being eaten alive)

Meta: Heh? What is this cartoon you speak of? Shall we race to the store of fermented sweets?

Uyoni: The what?

Meta: Curse this mode of expression...how you say...the Candy Store?

Vahn and Uyoni: SUGAR!

Green Slime: -blurb?- (explodes into tiny pieces as Vahn jumps up and dashes off in the general direction of the Hunter Springs)

Mr. Zumo: (sitting back, smoking a tobacco pipe in a small arm chair recliner, reading a book) Well now...that was interesting. (Puffs)

Uyoni: Did you just talk! (gapes wide-eyed at Zumo)

Mr. Zumo: (now standing in the grass like nothing ever happened) EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Uyoni: (Picks up her Zumokins and makes a mad dash in whatever general direction Vahn tore off in)

Omnipotent voice: Oh gods, I'm never going to make it into this fic...perhaps...

**-Lo and Behold, there was a great flash of light as a large, flashy, shiny thing descended to the earthen realm from the sky. As the light cleared, a tall figure stood in its wake, wearing all black, a black jacket and boots, a green eagles baseball cap (backwards) and a pair of goggles with yellow lenses. He dusts himself off, watching the escaping dust clouds of Vahn and Uyoni with a slight grin.-**

Figure: Yoni...(chuckles lightly)

**-The figure snaps his fingers, and appears on his back a small fish, hovering about five inches off of the jacket, held in place like a magnet. A shark to be exact. The shark wears a shirt, saying this: "I am 73h ub3r 1337 haxx0rz!". He yet again snaps his fingers. The entire right sleeve of his shirt vanishes, and a seru, the likes of which has never been seen assimilated in such a way, attaches to his arm, the multiple spikes converging to form sort of a bone-shield claw weapon. With the Seru apears a talisman on a chain that glowed an evil black color...but hung on a nice, ornamently decorated gold chain. With a final snap, the shark begins to glow a greenish color, and two twin violet colored blades with racheting handles appear in his hands. Strapping these across his back, underneath the shark's hover-field, he sets off towards Uyoni and Vahn- **

-Meanwhile, Vahn and Uyoni are still running along like madmen towards what Meta/Rolf keeps telling 'Waun' is the candy store. With the stone wall finally in sight, both Uyoni and Waun slow down to a trotting jog. (is that possible?)-

Meta: You did it Waun! We're here!

Uyoni: Meta, are you sure that powerboost of licorice I gave you didn't make you high or something?

Meta: I am not Meta! I am Rolf! Son of a Shepard!

Vahn: Hey...errr...Rolf...whatever, are you sure this is the candy store? There's no building, but lots n lots of peoples!

Uyoni: (Tucks Mr. Zumo in his carrying pouch for good measure as she enters into the clearing) Hi Everyone!

Everyone: (GASP!)

Guy #1: Hey! It's Vahn! And his new girlfriend!

Vahn: (somehow snaps to his senses) WHa? ME? HER! No Way In HELL! She's Freakin Crazy Man!

Uyoni: Wow, that worked really good...

Guy #2: And it's that son of a bitch Seru that blew up our Genesis Tree! KILL EM!

Newly Formed Angry Mob: RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE! (waving all manner of swords, knives, axes and pitchforks in the air)

Vahn: Oh hell Meta...what did you do last night?

Meta: I am not Meta! I am teh Rolf!

Vahn: Rolf, whatever!

Uyoni: (turns to Vahn) Umm...I think we should run...

**-Vahn and Uyoni turn to flee and run directly into the figure that had been stalking them previously...-**

Uyoni: (gets knocked over) Hey! Watch where yer standin bub! We're tryin to 'scape here!

Vahn: Umm...(taps Yoni on the shoulder) I don't think you want to be yelling...

Uyoni: Why? (looks up)

**-The figure is holding both swords at the ready, staring ominously at both of them.-**

Figure: The time has come to pay for what you did to Rim Elm...

Vahn: Oh shit...we're screwed, aren't we?

Uyoni: Hah! snaps her fingers at him

Figure: (does the same, only in a sweeping motion across himself as a random bolt of lightning strikes the now-in-place shield)

Uyoni: Ummmm...yeah, we're done for.

Figure: And now...(raises both swords...stepping out of the darkness to reveal his face...) I gotcha. XD

Uyoni: LD!

Vahn: Whodawhat!

Mr. Zumo: (from his pouch) Eh Dweee!

LD: Sup Yoni? Looks like you're having fun already...(stares at the angry mob) May I?

Uyoni: YESSUMS! (squeaks happily)

Vahn: Okay, with the swords, maybe you'll take three or four of them out...but what the hell do you plan on doing?

LD: This. (Snaps his fingers)

**-Nothing happens-**

Angry Mob?

LD: You'll see.

Angry Mob: Eh. (begins advancing on the trio again)

**-And there that very day, a plague of rabid naked mole rats rained down upon the angry mob, chewing into them like so many bad granola bars. This, follwed closely by a quick storm of fiery hail, made for the villagers worst day ever.-**

Angry Mob: -dead as a furging doornail-

LD: (brushes off his finger nails) Eh, that was...somewhat amusing.

Vahn: That...was funny! The fire and all was cool, but hell! You could have gotten US killed!

LD: No Vahn, if I wanted you dead, all I'd have to do is this. (snaps his fingers)

Vahn: What the hell is that...(dies)

Uyoni: OH MY GODZERS! YOU KILLED EM!

LD: Easily rectified. (snaps yet again)

Vahn: (is revived)...supposed to...do...oh. Ermm...

LD: (bows deeply) Laegreffon Damarius Laizare, Author God extraordinaire, at your service Vahn. I'm here to see that you make it through this simple minded, random battled story in one piece. With my trusty accessory ay my side and Yoni and Myself at yours, you can't lose.

Vahn: ANOTHER OF YOU CRAZY AUTHORS! WHERE DO YOU GUYS COME FROM!

LD: Out there. (waves to the sky) In the land of cute, fluffy spiked toadstools, where wild wingnuts run free and cause wanton mass destruction! Where hotdogs rain from the sky like...erm...rain. And the pools fountain out with koolaide beyond your tastebud's wildest fantasies! It's really a fun place, you should check it out sometime. D

Vahn: Ummm...pass. Can we just move on? I want to make it to Drake Castle before another one of those random endings takes place...

**-EVERYTHING BLACKS OUT!-  
**

* * *

LD: RANDOM ENDING! XD Heh...bet he never saw that one coming... 

Vahn: Actually, I saw it coming a mile away...

LD: Oh shut up you...(kicks the story generator)

* * *

Story Generator: Initializing Backup Restart...in 5...4...3...2...1...)

* * *

**-Everything comes back instantly, what a rush!-**

Vahn: (woozily standing up) Holy hell...that was wierd...

Uyoni: That WAS PHUN! DO IT AGAIN!

Vahn: NO! Thank you...(sighs)...so, do you two...er...know each other?

LD: Actually yes, through some twist in the fate of massive plotholes. We met when we were still just budding authorettes.

Vahn: Not even going to ask...

LD: Well, you see...it's like this...(begins this long random rant about how he and Uyoni met, while adding in bits of the Chaos Theory, the Super String Theory to explain how they arrived in Legaia, and a bit of Psychology to help Vahn understand the complex that plauged our Authors minds)

**-15 hours later and about five miles from Drake Castle-**

LD: So you see, it's really not all that complicated.

Vahn: (drooling) Bwaaah?

Uyoni: Awwwzerz...he's drooling...C'mere you little...(picks Vahn up and tosses him over her shoulder with the Half-Chocobo Gimard)

Vahn: (gets spiked by the Gimard's shaft...at the base of its' body where the neck and the scissor blades meet) OUCH...gonna feel that...erm...(looks at the sunrise)...today...I guess...oh hell, I don't know. Someone kill me now and get it over with.

LD: (snaps his fingers)

Vahn: (dies)

Uyoni: You didn't have to...

LD: Oh, but he asked so nicely! XD

Uyoni: LD...(glares)

LD: Oh, I'll revive him when we hit the castle.Don't worry your pretty little head off.

**-And dah sheen fades to teh bwack!-**

**-...KWEH!-**

* * *

LD: AND THAT'S IT FOR TODAY GUYS! XD More insane shizzle happens as I, the almighty omnipotent... 

Uyoni: ...psychotically crazed...

LD: ...Laegreffon joins the partay! w007! Ah, tis good to be teh I. So much phun we will have now!

Uyoni: (checks the dead Vahn on her shoulder) I hope for his sake, you'll take it easy on the magic?

LD: Oh hells no woman, you've gotta be kidding me! XD Where's the fun in that?

Uyoni: You said you were there to help him stay alive.

LD: Yeah, but I also didn't say anything against me making his life a living hell.

Uyoni: Oh Tieg...

TIEG: (appears outta nowhere) You called?

Uyoni: WOAH!...um...nah, don't worry about it...

TIEG: Ah dammit. I thought someone needed me for a change...back to waiting by the phone I guess. (sigh)

Uyoni and LD: Umm...Right...

* * *

Numerical Thinger Magjiggers...Yeah...They're a pain in my arse too.

#1 - I do not believe that the Super Simulant Seru that took over Conkram grew out of control. I believe whole heartedly that Conkram would use it's hard, magical shell to repel any attack made by Solarian warriors.

#2 - Yes, the Green Slime was singing that song. XD Maybe he was even dancing the Calipso, who knows...

#3 Mr. Zumo did infact try to say LD when LD caught up to Yoni and Vahn at the springs.


End file.
